i’m in indiana again. indiana has great steak.

bet you didn’t know that. everyone writes off this state, and i guess i don’t blame them, because there really isn’t much going on here.

earlier i heard one of the three major radio stations near fort wayne advertise that tonight at 9pm was an amateur contest at showgirls one.

not showgirls two or three, just to be clear.

i realized at that moment that i could attend this layman’s striptease and see some of the locals take their clothes off.

which is about when i decided to order food in…
hence the steak comment.

so here i am with you, listening to brett dennen and lily allen in an empty hotel. well actually, it’s just me and the indian guy (how perfect is THAT? indian, indiana…get it!? puke) who’s at the front desk.

i called down to see if he had a menu to the one and only chef-staffed restaurant for probably ten miles.

sidenote: yes, there are restaurants like KFC, arby’s, mc donalds, even a subway…but if you work at one of those places and EVER call yourself a chef you should be deep fried and served to the next person who walks and in and asks to ‘biggie-size it’.

so i call down to mr. indiana and ask, “hey, you wouldn’t happen to have a menu to clementine’s steakhouse down the road, would ya?”

“ohhhhhh….ummmmm…what room are you in?”


“i’ll look and call you back.”


this is funny because he not only sounded like this was a task that would require his undivided attention and thus DISTRACT him from something he was already devoting that attention to…but he asked what room i was in.

first of all, i’d seen him six times and i’d been here three hours and every time he’d been sitting behind the desk, doing nothing.


i know this because 1) there are no other cars here, 2) no other people here, and 3) this place is falling apart…no one stays here ever.

so i sit back and wait for his call, and five minutes later he calls to tell me he found a menu and has it for me up front.


i walk down to get it, where he’s (you guessed it) doing absolutely nothing at the front desk, and thank him for making me a photocopy so i can order from the privacy of my own room.

and someone at clementine’s picks up to take my order just as i realize he only copied one side of the menu…the fish and appetizers side…and i am forced to say, “ummmmm, shoot, you know…i don’t have a menu in front of me…could you tell me what cuts of steak you guys have?”

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