sometimes you just can’t have what you want.

for the past six months i’ve been holding onto something that i really thought was worth the world and nothing short of the world. a relationship i believe is the truest i may have.

a girl who can’t find the same conviction.

my best friend, and lover.

what i did was push her away, and where we are is a long way from what i think we really mean together. where we are is very simply not together. it breaks my heart.

i tried to earn more money.
i tried to find my place in this world.
to find my calling…to find the thing that i could be great at.
and i did that partly because i wanted to be someone she’d be proud of, and never be able to see past.
i did that partly because i am selfish.

when i did that i hurt her. i let us slip apart. she demanded more, and she needed me when i wasn’t there. i needed her help, but i’m not sure i found the right way to ask for it. i’m not sure she was in a place to offer it.

last night i heard someone say that you learn so much when you come back together with someone you love. she was talking about a long trip she’d taken; for me it was a little less literal. and to me the lesson is in how you feel without someone. whether you can walk away.

i couldn’t walk away.

i tried to be more of who i really am.
i tried to love her, to her, like i’d always loved her inside of myself.
in fact, it wasn’t even trying. it was more important to me than anything else.

i once said that you knew something was up when you hoped to hold a door for someone. hoped she might brush up against your chest.
hoped you might smell her hair as she slipped by.

when i said that i’m not even sure i could imagine feeling that way years later. feeling that way after the crazy infatuation of meeting someone new wore off.
but man did i feel it then, and man do i love her now.

unfortunately, right now, we’re not walking through the same door.

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