earlier this morning on twitter i commented on the mid-air collision i survived last night in my soccer game. it offered me a nice healthy elbow jab to the throat in return for an almost-totally-sweet diving header almost-goal.
yeah…didn’t even score.
anyway, all day i was feeling a bit sore, but admittedly better than i’d expected. i’ve slept wrong and had worse neck pain, for instance.
until about two hours ago when i cracked my neck.
(now, a lot of you readers have seen me crack my neck and when i do, i do it pretty violently. i do it like that because i had a chiropractor growing up who solved some pretty major back pain for me with a nice back and forth neck-twist that realigned my spine. over time, that particular readjustment would hold for months…i’d see the guy pretty irregularly as i approached college.
out in california, since i don’t own a private jet, i realized that i could quickly throw my chin up and out, and get the same spinal adjustment done on my own. safe? probably not. completely necessary to relieve lower back soreness? absolutely.
so i still do that, maybe once or twice a day.)
so earlier, when i threw my chin and got a nice neck crack, and all of a sudden something was wrong.
like i had a golf ball in my throat. like an instant case of strep throat with the inability to swallow without major pain. it was painful to even talk.
i stood up and paced around and took off my tie and looked out my office window, contemplating the idea that the aforementioned soccer injury might have gone unnoticed somehow in the absence of my neck readjustment, and trying to understand how that could even be possible. was a world of neck pain hiding all morning like a house of cards?
i selfishly hoped the next neck crack i was about to try would return things to normal, because i fear the day on which i’m forced to admit that everyone is right about my peculiar habit*.
and when the next neck crack just wouldn’t happen (cuz when you’re fully cracked, you can’t keep cracking, fyi**), i was forced to just kind of deal with it and turn my excitement for p.f. chang’s kung pao chicken at lunch into a fear of swallowing whole foods.
i stopped answering the phone.
i started organizing my google reader***.
my google search for “dislocated adam’s apple” produced that link and feby57’s late 2005 comments which included this little tidbit of GLORY:
“The pain is indescribable and swallowing is almost impossible because of the pain. What I have done over the years is to press very hard on whichever side it is on until it “pops” back in. You can actually feel and hear it when it does….I have just NEVER heard of anyone else who had a clue what I was talking about- they just kind of look at me like I am weird.”
feby57, my love, i can now speak and swallow because of you. i followed your advice and i heard the pop and i feel like a new man. if you’re single and gorgeous and not 51 years old**** i would like to offer you a make-out session.
although i can’t promise my head won’t pop off mid-session.
*an ex put it well when she told me it was over if my head just popped off one day and she had to deal with the aftermath.
**”i’m already pulled over…i can’t pull over anymore officer!!!” name that movie.
***there’s upside to everything.
****this last “if” is not a deal-breaker if the first two hold up.