i’ll never forget the first time i cheated on someone.
i was in middle school, and i’d fallen in love with another girl.
quite a few years later, after some back and forth rides up and down a mind-bending psychedelic relationship with a girl who went on to pursue her artistic drive in new york, let me interview her about our relationship, and be a damn great person who i very much respect today…i drew a line in the sand and knew i’d never enter into a relationship that wasn’t entirely up front and faithful.
from where i stand today, the teenager who more than a decade ago first broke the trust of a girl he was dating looks fuzzy and unreal.
i hate the fact that i cheated on more than one person in my life. when i was young, i justified it with confusion and a runaway heart. the nasty and childish juggling act i played always led to very serious, very formative relationships, most notably the one i had with my now best girlfriend, and each one very special and important. it was always rooted in strong emotional ties. it was always based on my inability to walk away from one thing before the next began.
when it happened to me, i told myself to pin the feelings and emotions down in my memory, because i was sipping on the wine i’d fermented. i hurt, but i wasn’t a hypocrite. i was staring the world’s balance in the face.
so it comes with a heavy, heavy heart tonight, as i try to share with my readers a picture of eight snuggling puppies, that blogger yet again freezes up in middle of that upload.
as it’s done so many times before.
and i find myself entertaining the idea of responding to the subtle suggestive nuances of my relationship with wordpress…hard pressed to exercise my resolved dedication to one platform…to one woman.
a woman i see everywhere. winking at me from some of my favorite blogs.
the things she wears!
how comfortable she is in a crowd!
my resolve to stay faithful is one i’ve proudly wore on my chest for so many years now, and through such wonderfully rewarding relationships filled to the brim with trust and honesty.
and to be honest, it’s been truly without effort.
i’m not sure i can hold on.
i’m sorry blogger.
i’m just not sure i can hold on.
oh and ps i don’t think you’re trying hard enough.